I’m Not Too Bad. I’m Ok.

A long-overdue introduction to the person behind the camera: my journey through work, mountains, burnout, and finding healing through photography

I’ve been struggling this week with what to write for this newsletter. I have various topics half written but nothing seems to stick or properly resonate. I am sure at some point they will come together but for now, they just don’t seem right.

Life is complex and we all have mess that we need to deal with. Mine feels like it’s all over the floor at the moment and needs a proper tidy up. I shared the post below on various platforms a few weeks ago and was surprised and deeply touched by the friends and colleagues, old and new, that reached out to me. That was not the intention of the post but lovely all the same.

To say it’s been a tricky and frustrating few months would be an understatement. I was looking for a photo to share today and this one jumped out at me, as it really sums up how I feel at the moment - like a discarded item, with the darkness gathering around me.

I'm not posting this for you to feel sorry for me, it is what it is. But to all those in a similar position, keep the faith and be strong, especially when your values and motivations are so obviously at odds with the darkness around you. Rather than think of the darkness as consuming, which is what it always wants to be, think of your light as a beacon and search for other beacons out there, as they will be your kind of people.

I also realise that after six months of writing here on Substack I have never really introduced myself or told you much about me, aside from my approach to photography. So today I hope you will indulge me with a little navel gazing. We will include some photography. I promise! Oh and the title? I will explain that later as well.

So hi, my name is Giles. I am 51 years old and live just outside Cambridge in East Anglia, which for those not from the UK, is the bump that sticks out into the North Sea just north of London. I’ve been married to Lea for 27 years and we have two teenage boys.

The Professional Me

Career wise, I trained as a software engineer at university many many years ago, and have been in software and technology ever since, working for a range of consultancy companies. During Covid I co-founded a business as part of a management buy-out. This is the biggest mess in my life at the moment and for legal reasons there is not a lot I can say about that for now. Once it’s sorted I am sure there will be a bucket load to share and lessons I learned along the way.

I am also a Trustee of Mind Over Mountains, a mental health charity here in the UK, which advocates the therapeutic benefits of time outdoors in nature. This is more important than ever, especially with some of the behaviours you witness within the corporate world and the wider impact this can have on employee mental health.

Outside of work, I am a keen runner and cyclist and have taken part in a wide range of ultra running events. For those that don’t know, an ultra marathon is anything longer than a marathon but they typically start at around 50km with no upper limit. My preference is for mountain based events, strange for someone who lives in what is one of the flattest parts of the UK, I know.

Mountains, Miles, and Movement

I remember going to the English Lake District for a family holiday when I was ten years old. It was the first time I had ever seen mountains and I was immediately entranced by them and knew that they were where I was meant to be. My happy place so to speak. Before we had our boys, my wife and I did a lot of mountaineering, and we’ve been fortunate to spend time in the Alps, Andes and Himalayas. Once children arrived, this didn’t seem like such a sensible hobby to pursue but when I discovered ultra running as I was turning forty, I was immediately hooked. It allowed me to push myself physically and combine my love of the mountains with my sense of adventure and exploration. That and doing a forty mile run seemed like a logical thing to do in my fortieth year

My wife winter climbing in Scotland ~2005

What followed was a decade of ultra running adventures that have delivered so many happy memories and some of my closest friends. During that time, I even co-founded a running events company with a good friend and we put our own events, although we have since wrapped that up.

It is during the last decade that photography really became part of my life again. I have always had cameras. Compact cameras as a child before purchasing my first 35mm SLR back in the 90’s, before digital was even a thing. More recently my early morning running adventures and races in the mountains took me to some stunning places. Places I was desperate to share with my family. My iPhone became the solution and I would use it to capture images to bring back home and share with them and others through social media. These got positive feedback, especially from those in the same races as me. I was fortunate enough to sell a few images, have some published in magazines and one even became the cover image for an ultra running publication.

When Everything Fell Apart

In 2022, a year after we had founded my current company, I went pop. Again, for the reasons I have previously stated, there is a limited amount I can share about the reasons behind this at the moment - that will come in a future post I am sure. For now let us just say that it was work related stress.

I had previously thought of myself as someone who was strong mentally. I had been there for others as they had their own struggles but had always thought of myself as able to cope with anything. Immune maybe? Ultra running requires mental strength, in fact the longer the distance the greater mental rather than physical strength plays. Maybe this all lulled me into a false sense of security and it was a real shock to suddenly start having panic attacks and ultimately be diagnosed with burnout.

The warning signs had been there for six months or so and initially I thought I could cope with it myself and manage my own recovery. Finally, with prompting from friends and family, I consulted our family doctor. Little did I know that what started as two weeks off work would turn into five months but it did and although I returned to work in the summer of 2022, it is safe to say that I continue to think about myself as a “work in progress”.

I am finally taking positive actions to remove some of the biggest causes of stress from my life. This whole experience really opened my eyes to mental health and the challenges that many face day-to-day. The behaviours and bigotry I witnessed during this time were probably as shocking as the illness itself and mental health, especially mental health in the workplace, is a subject I am really passionate about - for obvious reasons.

My close friends and family were great, so supportive and continue to be so. Running and exercise generally has always been a source of stress relief as well, however injuries were catching up on me, and I was unable to use that in the way I had been. Fortunately, photography became a key part of the healing process - see I told you we would get back to that, eventually!

Evening run in the countryside around Ely.

Photography as Medicine

I have written about this before but photography allows me to quieten the mind and focus, in much the same way running does and still does today. I would always joke that when you crossed the start line of a hundred mile race, life would become so much simpler. You would leave all your life and work related stresses behind and it was simply a case of putting one foot in front of the other and ensuring you ate and drank enough to keep going.

Photography, Mental Health, and the Power of Slowing Down

The Meditative Frame: How Photography Connects Me to Myself

While not the same challenge physically, photography occupies my mind and when doing it, I find the day-to-day issues and stresses fade into the background. You look at the world around you differently, always on the watch for interesting light and scenes.

During my burnout I decided to take my photography more seriously. Initially I focussed on landscape photography, as this was the genre that my running photos really fell into. Over time however I came to realise that I am drawn to more intimate scenes and am as happy wandering city streets with my camera as I am mountain tops. Regardless of where I am, I find the experience calming and almost therapeutic in its own way.

As I started to share my photography again, along with the approach I take and the observations I make online again - I stopped during my illness - I started to meet and connect with new people with similar passions. I was building another tribe. Existing friends and even clients were noticing my work, to the point that many clients wanted to discuss my photography first when we met, before getting onto the real reason for our meeting. On places like LinkedIn, which is stuffed full of people trying to sell stuff or let you know how wonderful they or their company are, seeing something more real and personal was really connecting with people

Running along the Pennine Way north of Alston.

Reframing the Response

So there we have it, a whistle-stop tour of me and my life, with its ups and downs and complications, plus a little photography sprinkled in for good measure. Oh and the title? When I was at my worst a good friend used to tell me off because whenever he asked how I was, I would answer “Oh, I am not too bad”. I would say this as I was neither feeling great or terrible, but as he pointed out, it was pre-loaded with negativity. Glass half empty so to speak.

So how am I today? Things could be better, of course. However, I am hoping that in the next few months the big changes I am looking to make will finally be in place and a lot of the negativity will leave my life for good. Until that point, I will continue to go with the flow and answer “I am Ok”.